I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
