Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
