My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
