When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
