His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
