I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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