I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
