don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
