Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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