"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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