I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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