youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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