Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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