this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
