I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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