the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
