There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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