I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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