apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
In America we eat man semen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
