Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
