WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
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so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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