the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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