He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found puke in my bra..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
