i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
