i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
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We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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