We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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