All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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