It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
