Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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