dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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