Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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