Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
