I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
