my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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