I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
