I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
