I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
