You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
