Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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