OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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