i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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