I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
