So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
