I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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