There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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