I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
