Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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