Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
