i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
