A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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