That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
