Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
