i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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