I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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