if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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