he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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