Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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