I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
