This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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