franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
