my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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