Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish there were birth control emojis
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
