I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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